Did you know I have OCD? I didn’t. I just thought everyone thought about things the way I did.
Here. Let me tell you about just one of my rituals. *braces for impact*
I thought of everything in terms of patterns. So if I was having a good day, that meant the next day was going to be bad, and the day after that would be (you guessed it) good.
BUT plot twist, I doubled up on either a good/bad day every 4th. So the pattern went G B G B B G B G G and so on. This was for every day, hour, week, month, year. I would count out big events coming up to see what hours/days were going to be like.
I didn’t even know this was a weird thing. I have literally been doing it my entire life. I would do this pattern sequence for EVERYTHING. Houses in a row, donuts on display, signs on the street. It was a constant.
I also suffer from extreme anxiety, and I was much more aware of this. Earlier this year, my panic attacks were becoming a regular occurrence, and I had a paralyzing fear of dying, and that no one being able to take care of my children. Car rides were unbearable because of my constant worry of an accident. Being diagnosed with cancer was always looming in my mind.
But, I did know I had a little control when it came to giving myself breast examinations to check for cancer. I started checking myself regularly, but it became an addiction. I was bruised and sore from feeling for lumps over 200 times per day.
After years and years of coping on my own, I finally decided to get some help. My doctor prescribed Zoloft, and I started taking it in June.
And OH MY GOSH my life is seriously 10000x better! I suddenly realized I had a lot more space in my brain. If I didn’t execute (what I now know were) rituals, it didn’t eat away at me for hours like it used to.
I didn’t even realize how many rituals I was doing until I didn’t have to do them anymore. Guys. I only shared one of them, but seriously, there are like 30.
Sometimes being medicated has a bad stigma, and I know that’s why it took me so long to get help. But I am telling you, I was absolutely taking years off my life.
I am able to feel happiness without thinking “Ok, I guess something awful has to happen now.” Or “I know I was looking forward to this, but it’s supposed to be a bad night, so it will be.”
Let me know if you have questions about this wild journey. I am literally an open book about my mental health, and am always here to talk to.