It’s not that you want to lose weight, it’s just you haven’t been feeling great lately. WELL NO CRAP! You haven’t slept in literally years. You drink copious amounts of coffee, not because you love it, but for straight up survival purposes. And the only thing you’ve eaten for months is leftover chicken nuggets, cold french fries, and candy.
So what’s a girl to do? Detox. And what’s the hippest way to detox? (Are people still saying “hip?”) WHOLE30!
If you are like, “What’s a Whole30?” here’s the fastest rundown ever. You can eat meat, vegetables, fruit, and nuts. But be careful of those legumes, they’ll trick ya. So, peanuts, beans, and most peas are out, maybe all peas? I don’t know, just avoid peas.
Before day 1, it’s imperative that you go grocery shopping. It’s not something you can go to bed one night, and say to yourself, “I think I’ll start a Whole30 tomorrow,” because then you’ll be stuck eating brown bananas, freezer burnt hamburger, and questionable lettuce with no dressing.
Alright! Now it’s time to get started, since you have a fully stocked supply of whole foods. The first day goes great, as long as you can choke down the coffee with the coconut milk creamer substitute. No one asked to share your food all day, and you consider that a victory alone. This is going to be easy!
The rest of the first week goes down hill pretty fast. The lack of sugar creates a change in your patience level that can only be described as, “Stop talking or I’m going to leave.” By the end of each day, you’re exhausted, your nerves are shot, and there’s no nighttime glass of wine to calm you down. Oh! That’s right. I didn’t mention that yet, did I? No wine.
Anyway, week 2 is better, a little. But washing so many pots, pans, and dishes is getting REAL old, so you start looking for ways to make it easier. You hard boil eggs, buy almonds in bulk, make egg muffins, and crock pot dinners are scheduled for every night.
It’s time to go to the grocery store again, and you’re left scrounging. You are forced to eat a bunch of grapes, 12 black olives, and a piece of lunch meat for dinner.
Ok! Now you’re back up and running for week 3 after hitting up the grocery store again. Your energy has been restored, and you feel awesome! Might as well call yourself Super Mom, because you can do anything!
Week 4, where everything comes to an end. You’re basically so tired of eating Whole30 compliant foods, that you’d rather just not eat anything. If you have to even look at another stalk of celery, you’re going to lash out. Every day that inches closer to the end, you think, “This is good enough, right?!”
Then day 30 hits, and you’re like, “What now?” You eat cheese for the first time, and immediately feel like garbage. Well, that was a mistake. And you’ve been craving coffee creamer, but after the first taste, you can’t get through the cup because it’s so sickeningly sweet.
In closing, sure, you feel great, and you look great, and your body is thanking you, but what about all the food that your kids didn’t eat last month? What a waste! You better make up for it at dinner, and waffles are on the menu.