Moms are not known for their endless amounts of time to do luxurious things like bathe, but let’s imagine you’re in a dream world, and you’ve been given the gift of time to fully clean your body. Maybe your husband just said to you, “Go on, Girl. Get your shower on,” or your kids ACTUALLY fell asleep right at bedtime, and this is your opportunity.
First things first, debate bath or shower. You haven’t cleaned the tub in months, so that’s an automatic vote for showering. After taking off the clothing you’ve been wearing for three consecutive days, you avoid the mirror at all costs. You test to make sure the water is at a perfect temperature, and hop right in.
You just let the water hit you, and start to clear your mind. Wash away all the Goldfish crumbs and whatever this stuff is that’s stuck to your leg.
Since it’s a long shower, you reach for the shampoo bottle. As you mindlessly scrub your scalp, you start to think about your astronomically long to-do list. What’s for dinner? What bill needs to be paid today? How many days of laundry is there to catch up on?
When you bring yourself back into the moment, your washing your face. You didn’t remove your makeup from two nights ago, so you do some extra scrubbing under your eyes to get rid of the mascara residue. It’ll still be there, because mascara is apparently more permanent than a tattoo, so you move on.
Wait a second. Did you use conditioner? You figure you probably did just out of habit, but one more time won’t hurt. But your body has taken over. It knows that body washing comes next, and you automatically grab your loofa, and squirt conditioner on it.
Now you’re faced with a real dilemma. Use the loofa to apply the conditioner, or wash it off and start over. Then it hits you. This is probably why the shampoo always runs out first, so you decide to salvage the conditioner on the loofa.
When it’s time to wash your body, you think back to the last time you were able to really take your time, and get in all the hard to reach places. It’s been a long time. Too long.
Shaving. Ugh. There are some places that haven’t been shaved for months, and your considering your options, because a run-of-the-mill razor just won’t. cut. it. Literally. Maybe if you put on a new razor blade, so you switch it out. Your heart starts to race, because shaving with a new razor is the most dangerous thing you’ve done in months.
You get to work, starting from the bottom, up. Standing on one leg for extended periods is a lot harder now than it used to be, but you power through. It feels like there’s a lot more area to cover these days, so it takes awhile. Finally, the daunting task is complete, and you feel like a new woman.
One final rinse before you step out. Crap. You forgot a towel before you jumped in. Must’ve been too excited. You open the closet to pull out a full sized towel, only to find one hooded baby towel left. It covers approximately one square foot of your body.
While you drip dry, your mind begins to wander again. You really need to do that laundry. And pay the water bill. What’s for dinner?