Friends, I’m about to embark on a courageous adventure. There will be trials. There will be tribulations. There will be obstacles at every turn. What is this journey I speak of? My diet starts on Monday.
If you’ve never said those five words before, are you even a woman? And if you haven’t said those words, are you a wizard?
Phase one of a diet: mental preparation. Is this a good time to start a diet? Do I have anything coming up that I need to be able to eat unlimited amounts of cake? And then I have a very sophisticated debate with myself.
Me: I don’t want to go on a diet.
Also Me: You HAVE to!
Me: But I don’t wanna!
Also Me: You’re such a baby.
Me: UGH! Fine.
Now that I’m mentally ready, I pick a day to start. And of course I pick a Monday, because any other day would go against the grain of dieting logic. It gives me one last weekend to eat my kids’ candy and polish off the rest of my coffee creamer.
Grocery shopping is the next step. When I diet, I try to eat foods that are purchased around the perimeter of the store. I honestly try to avoid all processed food while dieting and stick with produce, meat, eggs, and nuts. The only time I slip into an isle is when I stockpile coffee, because the first week of eating healthy is exhausting!
I don’t get creative with my purchases, because cooking is a foreign subject to me. (I got it from my momma) Basically, if I can’t make it in a microwave or crockpot, I’m unable to execute. Also, fun fact about me, I don’t like chicken, and that is the universal staple meat of all dieters. So I usually go with pork instead.
And why is it that when you’re only at the grocery store for healthy food, Oreo comes out with this incredible new flavor like peanut butter, marshmallow surprise? Or the bakery just whipped up dozens and dozens of perfectly frosted donuts? And then I think, “Maybe I’ll get some for the kids… No! If I have to suffer, so do they!”
In a few days Monday will come, faster than any other Monday ever came. But there are still so many questions. How long will I last? Will I drop any weight? How many jelly beans can I eat before it’s considered cheating? Who else is starting their diet Monday?