I’m in search of a lady friend who has the same zeal for coffee and wine as I do, a great sense of humor who loves to laugh, kids the same age as mine, and lives within walking distance. Is that too much to ask?!
Every single day, I spend all 24 hours with my children. When I do finally break out of the house for a solo grocery store trip, I’m the awkward lady that strikes up conversation with strangers. “Hi there! I see you’re buying juice boxes. Did you know they come in all different sizes and sugar levels?… Oh, ok… HAVE A NICE DAY!” (As they hurry away, head down, avoiding eye contact with me)
All this to say, I’m lonely. I need companionship. I mean, sure I have an amazing husband and he’s the light of my life blah, blah, blah. But I need a babe bond, a chick connection, a mom match, a lady liaison. Somebody I can level with about the relief I feel taking my bra off at the end of the day, or my deep affection for black leggings. Someone who can really understand the struggle of wanting your home to look like JoJo Gaines decorated it, but not having the money to fully execute.
And, sure. I’m picky. I need a no judgement situation. When I tell you my nine month old ate an entire Ritz cracker she found on the floor, you need to high five that baby and tell her your proud of her accomplishment. I don’t need a choking lecture, because I’ve already lectured myself enough about it.
You have to love Amazon Prime. I know this might seem silly, but in my ideal friendship, I envision online shopping races to see who can find the item we’re talking about buying first and the cheapest. I am open to learning about other online shopping sites, but only if they also have free two-day shipping.
I need someone who thinks I’m funny. You need to laugh out loud at my jokes or my self esteem takes a real hit. And it would be nice to get some quick witted, back and forth banter going. I like a comedic challenge.
And listen, this relationship won’t be one sided. I can bring some stuff to the table, too. I have a fenced in backyard with a swing set and no pool. We can sit on my back porch and drink mimosas while the kids live it up. I have a diva den in the basement, with full kitchen/wet bar, guest room, and bathroom for all of our girl’s night needs. I have Netflix and a jail broken Fire Stick, so we can watch literally anything you can think of. And I will always have wine. Always.
Besides the material stuff, I can be very uplifting and give some moderately decent advice. I am a good listener and will be honestly interested in your daily happenings. I want to hear about your crazy family drama and the gross thing your kid did. I am good at remembering when you have appointments and I’ll ask about them. And I have some experience in medical emergencies, so that should be reassuring.
If you’re reading this and realize you too need a momance, I hope you’ll go out and find that special someone. And maybe… well hopefully… it’s me!
(Does this sound desperate? I think I sound desperate. O well… I’m pretty sure I am desperate.)