As I sit here sipping my ice cold coffee, watching the chaos of three small children unfold around me, I let my mind wonder.
What would our life be like without kids?
My clothes wouldn’t look like the wardrobe room at The Walking Dead. They would be clean and free of all the bodily fluids including spit up, urine, and blood. And while getting dressed, I’m SURE no one would say things like, “Look how fat your belly is! When you laugh it jiggles! Look at Mommy! It’s so funny when her belly jiggles!”
Every time I’m in the bathroom, no one would follow me in or bang on the door relentlessly. I could take a shower long enough to wash more than just my pits, tits, and lady bits. I would even be able to shave my legs more than once a season.
I wouldn’t make my own coffee ever. Starbucks would know my order by heart and the barista and I would share a light hearted giggle as we engaged in our daily small talk. And no one would be tearing through the coffeehouse like a cyclone, leaving a trail of broken cake pops and straw wrappers in their wake. And I wouldn’t be chasing after them, promising things that we all know I can’t follow through with. “Please stop! Put that down! If you put that down, I will pay for your entire college education!”
We would go places. And I don’t mean, “Come on, kids! We’re going to the store!” Cheers all around! I mean like vacations. Yes, plural. VacationS.
We would travel to the shore once, MAYBE even twice in a summer! And we would do things like go to the boardwalk on a whim, choose a restaurant not based on children’s menus but based on drink menus, and stay out past 7:30 without the impending doom of a colossal meltdown. Did I mention that no one would intentionally be eating sand?
We could hit up the holidays at Historical Williamsburg. I don’t know if it’s the authentic colonial garb or the way they talk about Thomas Jefferson as if he’s still alive, but I just cannot get enough of that place. Side note: if you find yourself in the Dub-burg, you must try the crayfish soup at Shields Tavern. It’s what dreams are made of.
We would have so much extra money. We wouldn’t have to buy diapers, wipes, formula, baby food, and blind bags. Because we honestly spend $1,000,000 on blind bags to bribe our kids to behave in public. We have more My Little Ponies than the actual manufactures.
“…Can I brush my teeth, Mommy? Can I brush my teeth? Mommy, can I brush my teeth? Can I brush my teeth, Mommy?…” and just like that, I’m back to reality.
BUT honestly what about all the benefits of kids? What would we use as an excuse for not wanting to go somewhere? And who would fill the void of having someone touching me 100% of the time? And who would make my heart triple in size when they say, “Love you, Mommy!”?