Working out is stupid. It’s the stupidest ever. Unfortunately, I need to work out to lose baby weight, and I need to lose baby weight to feel good about myself, and I need to feel good about myself so that I’m not a monster to my immediate family.
For whatever reason (probably the fact that I had three babies in two years and seven months) I am having an insanely hard time losing weight after this pregnancy. Baby number three plus our son’s type 1 diabetes diagnoses has really harshed my fitness vibe.
I’ve tried some crazy, mostly embarrassing, methods to drop the extra junk in my trunk. Most of them don’t involve working out… ok, ALL of them don’t involve working out. Let me tell you about these methods and which ones work! Just kidding… none of them worked. So next time you’re peeping on that suction cup that sucks the cellulite right out of your body, don’t waste your time. Momma tried that, and it hurts like a B!
Another reason I’m desperate to get my body back is that my husband maintains washboard abs throughout all four seasons. He has his masters degree in Exercise Science and even taught a college level course in Nutrition. These facts would lead you to believe he’s super health conscious. WRONG!! When we started dating, I asked if he enjoyed going to the gym. He actually laughed out loud.
He is constantly telling me, “Losing weight is very easy. You just need to expend more energy than you are consuming.” But, it’s really freakin hard to listen to someone tell you that while they’re seven bites in to a Big Mac and haven’t “expended energy” in a decade. It’s also impossible to take him seriously when he says things like, “Trust me. I’m a scientist.” *eyeroll*
But it was time for me to get back on the exercise express. I really like the Fitness Blender channel on YouTube. They have over 500 workouts of varying levels and, most importantly, IT’S FO FREE!
I decided to start with a cardio workout, but it was super heavy on the jumping jacks. Loved the workout, but basically just peed myself for 40 minutes straight. Thanks pregnancy. Just another body changing gift you have given me.
THE VERY NEXT DAY…
I wanted to workout with my kids, because that’s ALWAYS a great idea. You know, set a good example, teach them about good lifestyle choices, blah blah blah.
First we needed to clear away all the toy debris, and by we, I mean me. And because I️’m a glutton for punishment, we started with jumping jacks. The kids LOVED it! But they kept jumping closer and closer to me until I was finally outside the cleared area. And then it happened. I landed, full force, on a lego.
I immediately collapsed and clutched my wounded foot. As you know, stepping on a lego is an automatic 10 on the pain scale. I was trying not to cry, when both toddlers ran to my aide. Ceci brought me diaper rash cream, kissed my foot, and repeatedly said, “Why are you crying, Mommy?”
Piet also appeared concerned. He positioned himself two inches in front of my face and it honestly made me feel better knowing he cared. He then lifted up his bottle full of grape Mondo Cooler (0g of carbs) and sprayed it directly in my face.
I learned some things from my back-to-back soggy exercise experiences.
1. If a human has exited your body, it doesn’t matter how many times you empty your bladder before jumping jacks, you will still pee yourself.
2. Don’t keep Legos in your home.
3. Working out two consecutive days is not only painful physically, but it also rattles the trust you have for the people you love most in the world.